Emails [Wednesday evening]

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Rogers, Steve
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Inquiring minds

Turkey day is fast approaching and I got to thinking.

1. Do you know how to cook a turkey?
2. Are you planning on cooking a turkey (or ten)?
3. Do you have the balls to try cooking a turducken?
4. There's supposed to be other food beside the turkey, right? What else would you be up to cooking?

---

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Come on board the yellow submarine

What's your next few weeks looking like? We need to get this scuba diving trip of ours on the road before those dipshits find a salvage boat that isn't under dry dock to use.

Comments

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: I am the walrus

Sooner is better than later. I'll dust off my wetsuit.

You aren't gonna be staring at my ass the whole time, are you? I mean, you aren't gonna make it uncomfortable, with me having to turn you down and all...

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Coo coo kachoo.

That's got to be one hell of a wetsuit for where we're going.

If you're in a wetsuit, fuck yeah I'll be staring. I give you full permission to stare at mine. Even though we both know you'll be staring anyways. And I know you're only turning me down because you've used up all those condoms you got for your birthday already. Otherwise you'd be all over me.

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: Are you trying to seduce me, Mister Stark?

So no coral reefs?

While I'm certain your ass is as pretty as money can buy, I don't want to soil our working relationship by becoming too enamored of it. Yeah.

So, when do we ship out?

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: I do have the best legs in the tower.

Well, if you twist my arm we can take a side trip. I mean, these missions, they take a long time to accomplish properly. Especially with something as dangerous as nuclear missiles.

Are you implying that I had to buy my ass? I'll have you know it's all natural. You can even grope it if you still doubt my word. You don't need to worry about that. I'm a pro at keeping working relationships with people who are overly enamored in me. At least until the point when it requires a restraining order.

How's Saturday morning sound? Should give us enough time to deal with this sub and come back in time for food comas. Speaking of, you got any cooking skills in the Thanksgiving department?

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: Oh no you don't

I made a New Year's resolution to avoid restraining orders, and I've been good so far. Let's keep it that way. Also, my food skills begin and end with scrambled eggs. Let me know if you'd like some.

How about Sunday morning?

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Is that a challenge?

I suppose I can wait a few more months before putting the full smolder on. I can't have you breaking your resolutions and moping about because of it.

Maybe we can have eggs on the Thanksgiving menu. If you'll be around that is.

Well, I don't know... The church ladies will be all a twitter at me not showing up to morning mass. Yeah, Sunday morning works great. You're making breakfast before we go.

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: I've done my research

Please, sir, not THE FULL SMOLDER. :/

Don't mock my eggs. The fact I've offered to share them with you is earth-shaking, ask Tasha. Better yet, yeah, I'll make some before we head out Sunday. You can leave a nice donation on the doorstep of the nearest church to make up for your lack of attendance.

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Then you know I speak the truth

You have been warned. Soon, very soon, I shall unleash it on you and you will weep for how glorious it is.

I have learned not to mock eggs. They are horrible, deceptively difficult things. In fact, they mock me. They mock me so much. They might be on the way of giving me a complex. Well, another complex.

Something tells me the church wouldn't appreciate me leaving a book on evolution on their doorstep, even if I hid a large check somewhere within its pages.

Also, deep frying a turducken? Good idea or awesome idea?

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: I know the truth. It is not your words.

I've got some Kleenex in my pocket for that moment. But let's make it a surprise, shall we? Just fling the smolder at me when you're ready.

You're still mocking. :/

I'm never sure what my feelings are about turducken. On the one hand, I like and encourage trying new things. But that sounds like something some douchebag frat boys came up with one night after too many brewskis, just to see if it would work. I do approve of deep frying things. What about frying Twinkies or pickles or something else like that?

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: You haven't done your research then

Just as long as you don't shoot me. I remember something about you and surprises and shooting people. I don't like people shooting me. Especially as then people get all whiny about seeing medical people.

Not mocking. Me and eggs have a history.

So, a turducken sounds like something drunk, bored frat boys would come up with, but you're alright with deep frying Twinkies? Man, that is the epitome of dumb drunken shenanigans. Come on. What is it with you and Steve and the hatred of meat being stuffed with meat?

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: Google is my friend

I've seen your legs. I've seen better. Don't be too upset. And I'll try not to draw a weapon on you when you throw Blue Steel at me. No one wants to be in medical less than I do.

You will enjoy my eggs. You and eggs will make peace.

Deep frying a Twinkee is honorable, even curious. Stuffing birds into each other's cavities has a slightly horrifying shock value to it.

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Barton, Clint
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Google makes you lazy

Sure, pick the what was it? third? fourth? picture to show up with an image search of 'tony stark legs'. From years ago and horribly washed out. That is not seeing my legs. I've seen better legs than that every time I look down. And we'll need a competition over the medical thing.

I feel like me enjoying your eggs should be sexual in some way.

And what is your view on putting Peeps in a microwave?

[agent_barton]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Barton, Clint
Subject: Lazy is as lazy does

There is very little sexual pleasure in enjoying my eggs, other than the noises you will make.

Peep jousting in an honored spring tradition I can get behind. Come Easter, let's get some boxes and go to town. In the end, there can be only one.

[capsteve_rogers]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Rogers, Steve
Subject: RE: Inquiring Minds

1. No. But I found a website with instructions! It sounds like something I can do. I think.
2. Sure! It's been years since I had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Not since my mother died, really, so I'm looking forward to spending the holiday with people I love. I'm glad you thought of us making a family dinner instead of just ordering it!
3. I have pretty big balls but that turducken looks disgusting. Maybe we can have a ham for anyone who doesn't like turkey?
4. Yes. Mashed potatoes, dressing, green beans, sweet potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, rolls, maybe something with carrots? All of those things would make a great dinner. Do you have any traditional foods you always have? I don't mind making anything we want, and Darcy would probably bake desserts, too, and anyone else could help.

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Rogers, Steve
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: re: Inquiring minds

1. Well, you'll have a better shot at it than I will, unless it's deep frying it and really no one wants to trust me with that much hot oil.
2. Plan two was ordering the food considering point number 1. I heard that lack of food poisoning is something everyone wants to be grateful about on Thanksgiving.
3. What are you talking about? Turduckens are awesome. It's meat stuffed with meat stuffed with meat. It can't get any better than that. Ok, it can, but that's only because it involves more layers of birds and even more meat. Maybe we could put the ham inside of something.
4. Um... turkey? Whatever the chef has on the menu? All of that stuff you listed sounds good. There's stuffing too, right? To go with the turkey? I should email her about that. Make sure she's sticking around so she can be our Mistress of the Baked Goods again.

[capsteve_rogers]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Rogers, Steve
Subject: RE: Inquiring Minds

1. I'll check Google and research so I can cook it properly. No hot oil needed.
2. Food poisoning would be bad. I'll be careful and, if I goof it up, we can always order Chinese.
3. I think we have different definitions of awesome. I can't imagine who actually created such a horrible thing. You can stuff the ham inside your mouth and eat it?
4. Stuffing too, yes. I've found tons of recipes now that I'm looking. I figure Bucky will help cook. He can peel potatoes real well. Clint might help, too. I'll focus on figuring out non-dessert stuff and leave sweet stuff to Darcy? Do you think anyone else would want to contribute and cook?

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Rogers, Steve
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: re: Inquiring minds

1. None needed, but...
2. Or I can order a few precooked birds to have as backup. It isn't as if someone won't be eating them around here eventually. If worse comes to worse, the pups can have a field day.
3. There is a long standing culinary tradition of stuffing meat in other meat. It is a glorious thing. I think that Thor would have my back here.
4. I can't say I've really paid too much attention to everyone's cooking skills. I'm sure plenty of people can help if they're around. I think Thor and Loki and Natasha and Bruce all have some sort of cooking skills.